Joke of the day.

Every day I'm going to be posting a joke that I find online someware. It may be long, short, clean, dirty but I will be posting one every day starting with joke #1


Joke #1

The president got off the helicopter in front of the
White House with a baby hog under each arm. The
Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said,
"Nice pigs, sir "".
The president replied, ""These are not pigs, these are authentic
Arkansas Razorback hogs.
I got one for Hillary and I got one for
Chelsea. ""
The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied,
""Nice trade, sir. """

Lame, at least most of the words are spelled correctly.

Edit:

This is better:

No it's not yugio and abrige sucks

BorderlineStupi wrote:No it's not yugio and abrige sucks

It's not the Yugioh TAS, and you have no sense of humor.

Joke #2

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded,
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to
Rome.
So, how are you getting there? ""
""We're taking TWA,"" was the reply. ""We got a great rate! ""
""TWA? "" exclaimed the barber. ""That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in
Rome? ""
""We'll be at the downtown International Marriott. ""
""That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there? ""
""We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope. ""
""That's rich,"" laughed the barber. ""You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it. ""
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to
Rome.
""It was wonderful,"" explained the man, ""not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge! ""
""Well,"" muttered the barber, ""I know you didn't get to see the pope. ""
""Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me. ""
""Really? "" asked the Barber. ""What'd he say? ""
He said, ""Where'd you get the lousy haircut?"

Joke #3

Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean. "" The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation, but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement. ""Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency, and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane, and all the swimmers are on the right side. ""
After this announcement, all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later, the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.
The captain once again made an announcement, ""Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open you r emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane... ""Thank You
For Flying
Lufthansa. ""

Zabi wrote:Lame, at least most of the words are spelled correctly.

Edit:

This is better:

WOW! That was actually funny! You should be in control of this thread Zabi

I probably wouldn't do a joke thread though, maybe a "Damn! Thats funny!" thread.

Here's another one: (FYI: This video is the main reason that sound ripping is fun.)

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor. ""
""Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell. "" ""My dear,"" the doctor said, ""that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is. ""
""The problem is,"" she complained,
""it wakes me up!""

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband "" When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: ""Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up. """

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
He turns to her... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make love.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it? ""
The woman says, ""You can have any prize"

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess "" on it. So I said ""Implants? """

A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are. "Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life,"" he tells her, by way of poetic concealment. She tells this to her mother, who replies, ""Did he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on? """